If you’re not writing it down, you probably don’t want it bad enough.
This goes for everything and anything in your life, including your personal life. If you’re not writing it down, you’re probably not going to make the conscious effort or accomplish goals to achieve it. Because writing it down is the first step to declaring what you want. So what do you want?
Last summer, I made the intention to explore non-monogamy and launch a sex blog. It felt really important to me to explore sexuality and open relationships, and the pulse to finally start the sex blog I’d wanted to for years was too loud to ignore. I even hired a ‘sexual liberation coach’ to help me through my journey. Now, three months later, I’m exploring non-monogamy and writing a sex blog (hint: you’re reading it).
How many times have you made a list of your ideal partner? What kind of partner do you want to manifest into your life? What does your ideal relationship look like? The sooner you get clear on what you want and write it down, the faster you will receive it.
Lets look at your ideal partner’s values and belief systems over traits. Despite what your teenage self would have you believe, similar music tastes or even hobbies is not what makes a good relationship. Avoid getting too caught up in the details when visioning your ideal partner. Be more specific on what drives them. What their values are. How they choose to live.
I tend to be a bit detached in relationships. When I broke up with my previous boyfriend, I barely even cried. I knew the level of love I felt for him was not equal to the love that he had for me. It was kind of a needy love, a clingy love. Something I don’t find attractive.
The Long List
Weeks after I became newly single (and ecstatic and joyful), I jotted down a list of traits for my ideal partner on a piece of napkin while dining out with a friend. I never kept the napkin or took a picture of it for preservation, but it went something like this:
- Eastern philosophy/Buddhism
- Financially stable
- Light drinker
- Recreational drugs
- Dark hair (Tall, dark and handsome)
- Volunteers/gives back
- Open relationships/non-monogamous
And on and on…
I found what I thought I was looking for in Portland. He fit about 90% of the traits on my long list, but when he tried to cuddle and touch me, I felt absolutely nothing. I realized I was missing a big aspect of my list: sexual chemistry/compatibility.
The Short List
A friend told me I needed to simplify and suggested I list my top 3 or 4 values. From the big list, I whittled it down to four things, and let go of the things that felt too much like hobbies or traits:
1. Travel/Adventure – I’m a gypsy/bohemian soul. A third culture kid and world citizen. I love to explore and discover new things. Curiosity drives me. The only constant is change. And I know that “life starts at the end of your comfort zone”. Every time I feel too comfortable (usually in a location, or in a relationship, or both), I like to shake things up. Go somewhere else. Travel. Move. Complacency kills me. If you’ve never been outside of your own country, that’s a huge dealbreaker for me because being worldly turns me on. Being cultured is a prerequisite. And being able to explore new places and share that with someone special sounds like my dream life. In all reality, I’m not the most well-traveled person thus far but it’s that spirit of travel and adventure that I completely resonate with.
2. Financially stable – I’m no gold digger, but after dating someone who was poor and broke all the time and being his sugar momma, I’ve had enough. Women want someone who can provide, or at least share the burden! I don’t like being too dependent on a man. I never wanted to marry rich because I felt the distribution of power uneven and leaving me vulnerable. Even as a sugar momma, I felt uncomfortable because I prefer an equal partnership dynamic. I want to establish financial stability for myself so that I am free to leave if things no longer suit me. Mom told me that if she had enough money, she would leave my dad. That had a big impression on me in my early teens and I made a conscious decision to never be in that position with anyone. That sense of powerlessness and being “stuck” in a situation for lack of financial funds is something I wouldn’t want to experience with someone. I always want a way out just incase. Just to have the option. Not because I would leave (but in all likelihood, I probably will), but because staying becomes so much more of a deliberate choice. My idea of a good partnership is co-creation. Where both partners are free and equal to create together, and consciously choose to do so.
3. Open/Non-monogamous – I’m a freespirit. This translates in many ways, including free love. The complacency I hate that inevitably comes with any longterm relationship wouldn’t be as much of an issue if both partners are non-monogamous. I love the idea of being able to explore other people, or having the option to do so. To share myself and my sensual gifts to others is divine. The idea that my partner is fucking another girl doesn’t make me jealous, so much as it turns me on. It’s better than porn, especially if I’d get to watch, or participate! I identify as bisexual. Although I get more emotional attachment towards men, I have a physical/sensual attraction towards woman that I’ve always wanted to explore. Monogamous relationships always made me feel a little sad that I wouldn’t be able to explore this side of me yet again. Threesomes are a constant curiosity for me. I believe open relationships and non-monogamy have the capacity to be much more evolved than monogamy, which is based on exclusivity and deceit (because we all know most “monogamous” relationships end up with infidelity). Exclusive pussy is weird. Men just aren’t wired that way. I always believed that if a man wants to cheat on me, he should tell me first. It’s not the actual cheating and act of sex that upsets me, but the fact that the man goes behind my back, and hides something from me. Needless to say, I’ve never been cheated on, and when you open a relationship, sex becomes free of guilt and something that both parties can enjoy outside of their relationship to enhance what they have inside the relationship. Rather than blindly following social constructs of what society views as a good relationship (the standard monogamy), both partners are able to co-create their own reality together, and define what they want and don’t want, and what boundaries and guidelines to set. Someone who is self-aware and able to practice non-monogamy without getting jealous or possessive is ideal due to my natural detached nature.
4. Sexual compatibility – Sexual compatibility, or chemistry, is important in any relationship. Sexual intimacy is the glue that keeps relationships together, and the solution to all your relationship problems (I’d rather have more sex than fight and “make-up sex” is pretty nice). After dating people that I felt no sparks with, I knew that adding this to my list was a must, especially for someone newly in their “dirty 30s” and ready to be single and have some fun. I recall a time when I intentionally gave myself 2 years of celibacy after the end of an emotionally taxing relationship. Even though I wasn’t ready to get into the complications of dating and being sexually active again, I wrote a journal entry in perspective of my “future self” at age 80. I imagined myself to have had lots of sex, many partners, including a longterm partner, and in an open relationship. Sexual compatibility, in my case, involves someone willing to be non-monogamous, but also all the “sparks” and chemistry. How good are they with you in bed? How can they respond to your sexual needs? Are you both able to fulfill eachother? Do your sex drives match up or is one more oversexed than the other?
Being Open to Receive
Once you brainstorm a long list and then cut it down to your top 3, 4 or 5 (at the most) values, you’re now able to meet the type of person you describe if you’re open to receiving. Discard the long list, because it doesn’t matter. Only focus on your top values. By gaining clarity, you tell the Universe that you know what you want and you’re ready to have it. Be open to new opportunities and always follow your intuition.
Based on my values, my friend believed I would find my ideal partner overseas, and believed that’s why my intuition was telling me to take the return ticket to the Philippines and book a last minute flight to Cebu to be with my family. Having left my Filipino boyfriend (unabashedly breaking up on Facebook) and Manila life behind while visiting parents in Oregon, I was seriously considering staying in Portland and wasting my return ticket, but something compelled me to book that flight. I hadn’t seen my family in 3 years and it was time to be with them again. It was the perfect chance to explore Thailand and other parts of SE Asia that I had wanted to do all along, before getting caught up in another relationship. In 3 years, I had slow traveled, and explored many islands in the Philippines but other parts of SE Asia were still waiting.
When Thailand wasn’t happening, and my internet (lifeline) stopped working at the family house, I was starting to get annoyed and felt like coming back was a mistake. My pocket wifi situation was taking longer than expected to resolve, and eventually I tried to find an internet cafe. I reached out to a Cebu Foreigners group on Facebook and decided to introduce myself and my situation. Suddenly, I found a guy who was staying in the same province as me; an uncanny coincidence in itself until I realized we were practically neighbors (2 minutes walk away). The coincidences didn’t end there. We had similar histories, being born in Cebu, and growing up abroad, and similar work fields. Although I tried to ignore it at first, he was even from Germany, which a month earlier, I had predicted would be where my next partner is from while doing an automatic writing session (a sort of free flow “channel” to tap into your higher self and/or spirit guides). Other things like being a traveler and entrepreneur, and that he would actually ask me to come to Germany also came true, and my ability to manifest with ease once again left me amazed and mind blown. The province was the least likely place I thought to ever meet anyone, let alone someone so similar!
The power of intention and writing down what you want is a powerful tool.
How have you been able to manifest people, places or experiences in your life? Has writing helped you actualize what you want?