Here’s the secret about maybe.
Maybe means no…t now.
As much as I have no desire to have children, I’m open to it changing. I also know I have no burning desire to have kids and would be completely fine if I ended up missing the boat. In other words, I’m not desperate to find a man, stay in a “safe” lackluster relationship and do the “married and have kids” thing. I’ll do it when it feels right and only then.
Even though I don’t want kids right now, I have strong opinions on how I’d want to raise kids, or even give birth that I wouldn’t back down on. I’ve even joked that one of my goals in life is to be a MILF.
I try to be intentional and conscious in my life, and part of that would include conscious birthing. I don’t want to be in a hospital. I don’t want any drugs or epidural injections. I don’t want a cesarian. I want a natural home birth, probably with midwives and doulas around. Since I have ties and connection to the Philippines and the community of conscious birth in the Philippines, I’d imagine I’d like to stay there when I would deliver a baby. I know the perfect house/environment that I’d like to be in and she offers retreat/rentals/yoga and midwifing in the space. I would be open to water birthing especially, and things like orgasmic birthing. Some guys don’t want natural birth because it “loosens the vagina” for sex. I say fuck those dudes. My body, my choice.
Speaking of choice, I’m pro-choice. No surprise there, but I’m also pro baby. If I ever had an “accident”, I would choose to step up to the plate, accept the responsibility of getting pregnant, and choose not to abort the baby. Maybe if I were in my 20s. Maybe if I were violently raped. But in any other circumstance, I’d deal with the risks of not being abstinent and deliver a baby.
Like natural birth, I am pretty adamant about babies getting natural milk. I don’t understand myths that say breasfeeding is bad or not good for the baby and formula milk is better. Hello? A woman’s breasts give milk for a reason. Use it. No shame.
I’m not entirely hip to parenting in general, but what little I know about “attachment parenting” means that you should always coddle your kid when he/she cries, rather than some schools of thought to ignore them. Attachment parenting is letting them sleep in the same bed. Yes, that may mean no sex but let’s face it, sex after giving birth naturally goes out the window. For dedicated couples, there is always room to squeeze in sexy time, but that doesn’t have to be during bedtime.
Attachment parenting also means ‘wearing’ your baby rather than using strollers or baby carriages. This is an important one for me. I see strollers as a clunky waste of space and it’s much easier and more efficient to just carry your baby, and the baby slings that I’ve seen in Asia when I lived there were quite attractive and fashionable!
On breastfeeding, attachment parenting also allows for feeding your kids milk at “older” ages that the status-quo/society would frown upon. The idea is that you should wean them off naturally, and not as some perpetrary age because they’re too “old”. Let them have milk until they stop wanting it or until you stop producing milk.
Finally, attachment parenting may also mean foregoing a babysitter or nanny and being a stay at home mom. That’s why I’ve set up my business to work online from anywhere, location independently. Part of my thought stream is in the event I ever want kids, I’ll be able to stay at home with them and take care of them at all times.
The philosophy behind attachment parenting is to be able to bond closely with your child at crucial developmental phases. Being emotionally available best ensures the healthy emotional and social growth of a child, so you can best set them up for success rather than a life of anxiety or depression. Beyond that, skin to skin contact, as much as possible is just really nourishing and healthy. That’s true for mother and child as it is for romantic couples.
For male babies, I view circumcision as unnecessary and a form of mutilation. That being said, I have no problem with circumsized penises on men. Some people have a strong disliking to all circumsision, in babies or in sexual partners but I am more lax on this. Due to more experience with circumsized penises, I might say I even prefer it. If that makes me a hypocrite, at least it makes me a kinky one. 😉
This is a hot debate and many people will think you’re cruel or inhumane if you are on one side of the camp or the other. I have not paid attention to the information out there enough to make the best educated decision and if I were faced with this dilemma, you could bet I’d be reading up on everything, and on all the pros and cons. That being said, based on my own “intuition” and feeling, I don’t think immunizations are necessary.
My child would have alternative forms of education, such as a private school like Waldorf, forms of unschooling, travel and/or a combination of both. I think education is highly important, and I have no interest in the American school system. If I were to think strategically about where I’d like to raise a child for school, it would have to be Germany. In my opinion, Germany has one of the best school systems in the world. That being said, I also know life isn’t always that specific and I’m willing to make compromises. For “Germany” to happen, for example, I’d have to compromise on pair bonding with a “good enough” partner, and I’d rather have a better partner and compromise on not being in Germany.
Extended family is always better. If my mom were in the house, she would help raise the baby, if not raise him/her entirely herself. This would give me some breather and relief and allow her to feel needed and wanted and have a purpose in life. I also feel strongly about a traditional family unit. The thought of co-parenting seems intriguing and may even work for some families. The best examples are when the man and woman can remain civil to each other or even good friends, but just decide to separate ways as lovers and companions. However, I still think my preference would be the traditional husband and wife team. Raising a child solo as a single mother is completely out of the question.
I was raised an only child, and I honestly only want one kid to pop out of my vagina, if at all. I don’t need to go through that experience again. I am fine with only having ONE kid. I would only want one kid, because I feel it’s the responsible thing to do with so many people populating the earth. The most responsible thing to do, in my opinion, would be to have ZERO kids but most people want biological offspring.
That being said, I’m open to adopting a second kid, from either China or India, and preferably female.
Part of the reason kids don’t appeal to me is because the lifestyle that comes along with it feels like something I would absolutely hate. My parenting lifestyle would have to be different and a bit more unconventional from the norm. I am not going to be a typical soccer mom mini-van driving suburbian wife with play dates and schedules filled to the tee. I’m going to be my easy-going self who will still have time for ME and able to take breaks for self-care. I will have a life and identity outside of just being a “mom”. I can’t have it any other way.
As you can see, my opinions on child raising are very specific. When asked if I want kids, I have to say “no” for now, with the caveat of thinking very deeply on what I’d want on the other side of “yes”!