I talked a little bit about manifesting my ideal partner, which has since changed and evolved, but now I want to switch the focus on my ideal relationship.
What does it look like? Feel like?
My ideal relationship feels expansive, supportive, and turned on.
The truth is, there is no ONE person for you. It simply depends on timing, compatibility, and having the allowance to receive. There are a million people you could be compatible with, so rather than looking for the ideal person, or The Right One (which doesn’t exist, except in our heads), why not focus on your ideal relationship?
In my ideal relationship, we would be working in creative collaboration, essentially monetizing the relationship as business partners or someone that I would hire. I have no problems being the bread winner or main/top earner when I have the financial means to do so (i.e. not right now), as long as he has no problems feeling “emasculated”, which would certainly not be the case, especially in the bedroom where I am quite submissive. 😉
Life is never so black and white, however, and I know that having two careers to bring into a relationship is also good, or even ideal. “Equal partnership” comes to mind. In any case, bread winner or not, I would like to feel that both people are working towards the same or similar goals career-wise, whether working together in a business (in the event my business were successful enough to hire help and keep it “within”), or being involved in one another’s ventures (career compatibility), or both. My ideal relationship is one where my partner and I have the freedom to work wherever we want, and create a location independent life together. We are free agents, not bound to any corporations. We would have a home base, preferably in the US (San Francisco comes to mind as my #1 cosmopolitan hot spot), but travel extended periods of time (i.e. not a two-week “vacation”) exploring the world, people, and cultures together.
Exclusivity is not a requirement, but it is the default and we have a predominantly monogamish relationship, with the “ish” part being consciously talked about on the perimeters, agreements, and guidelines. We are playing an expansive, infinite, game and thus being “exclusive” is not enforced, nor does it need to be. We are a conscious couple, never defaulting to whatever predetermined roles or expectations a relationship or label may have, but defining in our own terms, and evaluating what works or doesn’t work and course-correcting along the way.
I want to talk a little bit more about non-enforced exclusivity and what that means, because it’s intentionally vague and can mean different things in different phases, or different people, and each being entirely within perimeters (i.e. not cheating).
Monogamy is my default simply because I personally have absolutely no interest in getting side dick outside a current container, or established relationship. The men I’ve been with are enough to satisfy me while I’m with them and I have no interest in straying. Monogamy and ONE life partnership is my ultimate goal, with the right person. If I never sleep with any other man in my life and still have a fulfilling relationship, I will be a happy woman. Everything else is “icing on the cake” (including starting a family, a stage most people are sure about and one I’ve always approached with great ambivalence, feeling like I could miss the boat and be entirely okay). This is why I feel I could be with either a monogamist or polyamorist, and feel like my needs could still be met in both very different situations. Ultimately, what I WANT is meaningful connection, and eventually, sustained meaningful connection that leads to life partnership. The how and what is subject to change.
I always like to say “if you’re going to cheat on me, tell me first.” Thus, I have never been cheated on. I use the term “cheating” loosely. When one person sleeps with another without the current partner’s consent or “permission”. It’s not the sexual act that bothers me, but rather the lack of honesty or open communication that may cause breakdown.
Lately, my relationships have been fluid, with no substantive commitments or labels, which is what I prefer. Within this fluidity, I do not require exclusivity and therefore “infidelity” is a concept that doesn’t compute; cheating is antiquated, regardless if I am aware of “others” or not. With such loose and fluid perimeters to begin with, the idea of “requiring” exclusivity or anything else seems absurd to me. I may naturally be a more “one at a time” kind of girl, but the person I’m with may or may not be a “multiple” dating kind of guy. When neither of us want to be tied down, or ready for serious commitment, who am I to deny one’s own natural inclinations or personal style? And, just because I may prefer my one-at-a-time approach does not mean that I am ready to be “tied down” either. Fluidity is my default. I enjoy my freedom and independence and hesitate to partner up and merge my life with just anyone. When I have done so prematurely, I have always felt trapped, going through the motions, or on autopilot that never fulfilled me. Claiming “boyfriend” or “Facebook official” status is something I may never really want or need. I like the option of being able to see other people, even if I may not necessarily take advantage of it. Merging my life, as in a “serious” relationship, is something that I cannot even fathom at this point of my journey. Being “solo” is still my default status, whether or not I’m single.
Even in a more “serious”, committed relationship with more established perimeters and agreements, I still would not require exclusivity. I use “serious” to mean a partnership that has open and established perimeters, agreements and the shared vision of creating a life together and expressing life partnership or even marriage as our established path. I personally would not make a lifestyle out of dating and fucking other people, but that doesn’t mean the option should be closed to my partner, nor should I deny myself the option if the opportunity should come.
Exclusivity is not a required perimeter, but what I DO require is presence and connection. I want to know that my partner is 100% devoted and present with me when we are together. Should that falter, as is the case in some infidelity situations, that’s where the problem would come. In other words, you can fuck other people but be totally present with me when you’re with me. BE HERE. I expect my partner to be totally present with the other(s) when with her/them, as well. Just BE PRESENT. As much as possible. Express gratitude and feelings. Compliment me. Let me know that I am wanted. Touch me. Feel me. Let me know I’m yours.
In my ideal “serious” relationship, the established perimeters within a non-exclusive agreement would depend on the other involved. Like I said, I feel I could be with either a monogamist or polyamorist, but in both cases I’d like the “ish” in monogamish defined.
My personal perimeters would include the occasional shared threesome. I am not very interested in sex toys, as compared to real, live people. To add some spice in a relationship, I wouldn’t mind having some fun with other people every once in awhile, as long as it’s shared. With a more monogamous-minded partner, I would love to be with other women that we may share. I wouldn’t need, nor necessarily want it to become a lifestyle, but something fun to explore, as in a naked party, sex party, or even sex club. This would never become a threat to our established relationship because I am hetero-romantic, and only want to be with women physically, and only with one man.
I also would prefer if I am the main woman in my partner’s life, and would rather not have feelings involved with other connections. That being said, I am willing to “test my limits” in that regard as I know feelings and emotions can be a murky thing, and casual encounters wouldn’t really fill me up either. What I need or want in any expression is meaningful connection.
Meaningful connection, for me, could look like a one night stand with someone I connect with emotionally. It could be a travel relationship with a built in expiration date. For years, this was the only source of connection I allowed myself to have, but within a more established, “serious” relationship, I would like to still have the option to play within these short-lived connections, so long as I know that I am sharing and merging my life with only ONE person, am devoted to him, and will not stray in that regard and vice versa.
Depending on the comfort level of my partner involved (i.e. someone more polyamorous), and my own comfort levels, the perimeters could start to play within a “swinger” lifestyle, in which my partner and I share couples or threesomes, so long as it is established that we are still, ultimately devoted to each other and only use the “swap” as an added bonus or benefit to our sex life.
The non-exclusive agreement should NOT involve having an ongoing ‘side’ relationship that I am not a part of, and should only involve shared connections (as in partner swaps and “swinging” or threesomes) or relationships with built-in expiration (as in travel). This should not be confused with the fluid, less committed, and less talked about perimeters within a non-serious relationship, where ongoing side relationships I’m not a part of (as in dating multiple people) is fair game, and I may choose to connect with another man more intently over another and phase out my previous relationship, as I am a more one-at-a-time kind of girl after all.
Perimeters should feel safe and be easily talked about and discussed. Nothing should ever be done that the other person doesn’t feel comfortable with and vice versa and everything should be evaluated and re-evaluated and 100% conscious.
The Greater Good
My ideal partnership is healthy, with a drug free lifestyle, insofar as hard drugs like meth, cocaine, LSD, heroine, etc. are concerned. The occasional ecstasy or even spiritual vision-like quest with ayuhuasca or peyote is okay, as is a 420 lifestyle, so long as it does not inhibit goals, dreams or shared visions (I am particularly grateful to live in a state where marijuana is now legal). No heavy drinking or partying. No stumbling home drunk (I experienced this and accepted him for who he is but was not about to commit). No smoking cigarettes or addiction to nicotine (occasional hookah is ok). Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Lifestyle could be vegetarian or omnivore so-long as it’s not vegan (way too extreme and I love me some eggs!) and is predominantly healthy (heavy on veggies and less on processed food). With two healthy, happy individuals, I would like my ideal relationship to benefit the greater good. Together, we are of service to humanity and are stronger, more powerful and effective leaders as a team than we ever could be on our own. We support each other, uplift each other, and help work to uplift humanity and create a better world.
My ideal relationship has room for growth. It doesn’t pigeon-hole the ever elusive ideal partner, and has room for either monogamy or non-monogamy, vegetarian or non-vegetarian, one income or two incomes, and other non-absolutes. It does require respect, love, kindness, compassion and the ability to communicate, be honest, and trust one another. Heart-wide open and expansive.