Sex Dreams

He was asleep and I was awake and horny, my desire for him full and wanting more. Feeling his briefs and gently brushing my hand against his flaccid penis, I coaxed him awake. I played a little over his briefs, then massaged him from underneath, placing my hand through the opening. I licked my tongue against him until he hardened, placing my mouth around the tip and gently sucking and twirling my tongue around. He woke up and responded to my playful advances. The spontaneous action was welcomed with his touch against my naked skin, drawing me toward him for a deep kiss.

I’ve been having sex dreams lately. They seem to happen fairly frequently. My record was a sex dream a day for two weeks straight. Some with men, some with women… sometimes both.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had good sex and these little dream escapades are all that I get. I usually enjoy them. Usually, because every once in awhile I’ll dream about someone I know in real life that wouldn’t attract me at all, or it’s frustrating because it ends up becoming a tease and I wake up before the action really starts.

When I enjoy them it could be a random dream character I don’t know in real life, or someone that I do. Sex dreams enliven me awake, and give me ways to enjoy sensuality without the messiness of everyday interactions and encounters. These dreams usually make my day and can keep me in a sensual, aroused state, where I’m more likely to touch myself, particularly if it’s been a few days, or week since solo pleasure. When I feel unsafe to explore, and afraid of being someone’s “low hanging fruit”, I appreciate sex dreams even more. They turn me on in a period when I feel turned off by random advances, connecting with new people, and compliments with ulterior motives. Dating is scary and takes hard work. I don’t want to settle for anything less than I deserve: fuck buddies, friends with benefits, lovers, relationships that just can’t quite go deeper. This realization means holding out and facing the very real possibility that I could be alone forever. Each time I have released a relationship, in any form, I have always gone back to asking myself if I could be alone forever. Will I be ok with that? The answer is, I have to be. I have no one “on the horizon” and I don’t want to meet anyone with sexual motives right now… The dynamic feels imbalanced. Not something that feels good to me. As long as I am in community, with deep friendships and full relationships with other people, I will be expressing love as deeply as I can and will continue to live life with heart wide open.

Sex dreams suspend reality, even for just a moment, and make me believe that sometime, somewhere, I’ll be able to express my sensuality as a gift again, to someone I’m truly, madly (deeply) in love with.

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