I dreamt about him again. Another sex dream.
I realized that I have the capacity to be ‘poly’. That I could love and respect a lover and care for them deeply, but yet have no desire for an “agenda” of life partnership, as my current relationship is of this nature.
In fact, I never had any agenda with him, even when I was single. Even when we romanced. And perhaps that’s what makes it so pure. So special. So fucking potent that I still dream about him in that sensual way.
In my dream we were lovers again. We had passionate sex as frequently as our first time.
We both chose to make it no agenda, and we both kept true to our word.
While I previously thought friends with benefits was a shallow, less than predicament, he proved me wrong.
He awakened that part of me that thought I would never find “a love like this”. Because how could I ever top my first love? But I did. And then, I did again.
I did to the point of realizing that what I had with my “first love” was nothing compared to what I have now, even though I thought it was everything back then. That all the energy and love I had never felt before was just That Good Feeling, magnified in ways that swept me off my feet, but that ultimately paled in comparison to that honeymoon phase that lasted only a short while. That Good Feeling became less and less.
When I think of my boyfriend’s equivalent to the agenda-less relationships that are still just as tender, I get jealous. But should I if I am harboring the same?
I am thinking of a threesome with my boyfriend’s ex lover. I don’t know how I fare with it, in reality.
In reality, I’d rather fare with my ex loves.
I know it won’t happen, and I’m ok with that too. The memory is still just as sweet. I can dull the feels, as I should, but it does not fade.
Yet, I honor my current love. I honor the life we’re building together. I honor That Good Feeling I still have with him, over two years later.
It’s not that I’m not “over” the man in my dreams (read: in, not of). I have no desire for a life with him.
I realized I have the capacity to love multiple people long before, with another man I fell for with a decade long crush that fell flat and unrequited in the end.
Perhaps it’s because I’m a Too Much woman. Men have not been able to provide what I want.
Men have given me That Good Feeling. And then taken it away.
I’m not talking about orgasm.
I’m talking about that touch. That feel. That sexual tension. That recognition. That acknowledgement. “I see you.” The polarity.
I’m talking about the compliments. The hugs. The cuddles. The texts. The likes on Facebook.
Even when I last saw him, awkwardly after our rendezvous, he still managed to give me That Good Feeling. Glimpses. A glimmer. Just enough to know that we’ve had history, and nothing more.
That twinkle in his eye, and smirk on his mouth that was so familiar to me, like I knew he wanted me. Or when we danced all night long, somehow ending up side by side, but never too close. Or when he put his hand on my shoulder for a picture, lingered, and then took it away, as if to realize it was too much. When he accidentally brushed his leg with mine in the hot tub amongst a group of friends. Or when he complimented what I had done differently to my hair, when no one else did the entire day.
That Good Feeling notoriously never lasts. And that’s ok. The only constant is change.
Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. -Rumi
And so it is. In love.
That Good Feeling comes back to you in another form. In the form of another man. Perhaps one that will stay. One that wants to marry you.
That Good Feeling is complimenting my pussy. How beautiful it is. I’d never in my life heard such sweet nothings about my private parts, and that’s what pussy craves to juice her up.
That Good Feeling is thousands of I love yous that never get old.
That Good Feeling is cooking for me.
That Good Feeling is the way that he just GETS me, so I finally don’t seem so alone.
That Good Feeling is knowing my weird matches his.
There is nothing missing, but That Good Feeling does not have to come from one person. In poly, That Good Feeling comes from many. Admittedly, it feels good when That Good Feeling happens more often, with more people. That Good Feeling is simply attention. It does not have to be inherently sexual, it can simply be friendship. A phone call. An ear that will listen. A shoulder to cry on.
In monogamy, That Good Feeling is sometimes suppressed with any others but the One. Does it have to be?
Love is an infinite game. But humans are bound by the finite.
What attracted me so much about my boyfriend was his big heart in the infinite game. That’s his big heart for the love we share, perhaps deeper than someone who can only love finitely, but it’s also his way of giving That Good Feeling to others, freely.
The thought of the threesome, or on bending the game we play together, and with others makes me feel more free to love him.
So when I dream about him, an ex-lover, I think about how the Good Feeling has shifted and how it’s still present for me today.