The Jerk

There are some things you just don’t talk about, because it’s not appropriate. Because you have mutual friends. I feel like rape, sexual assault or sexual harrassment go in that category.

I’ve never been raped — technically. It’s easier to go along than say no. To stick to my boundaries. To push my ground. I’m always such a pushover….

That’s why, even if it may seem extreme, I’d rather not associate with any man, even as “friends”, if I wouldn’t want the possibility of it going anywhere, because I’m fucking easy otherwise. To stop myself from being “easy”, I just draw the line much earlier and premature and don’t talk to men at all. It’s a little bit of an avoidance tactic like how it felt in highschool, when I didn’t date and didn’t know how to associate with anyone of the opposite sex, because I was shy and awkward. Sometimes, I think it’s a regression. Something “unhealthy” that I should get over and let down my guard, but then I come across jerks. I know if I let down my guard, I go on the opposite extreme and have meaningless sex because it’s easier to go along than say no… That mess of extremes makes me feel like a mess, and rather than indulge, I avoid completely.

Avoidance can make you miss out on good things, and keep you from taking risks. The risks I’ve taken in my life, in the personal department, or in general, have always been worth it.

When a man you haven’t seen or talked to in over four years decides to friend you randomly on social media and then propose being his 2nd wife in an already established partnership, and ask if I’ll meet him in person to be “open to the possibility”, I’m glad my avoidance tactics are in place. A big fat NO. Even casually bringing it up so effortlessly online, and then defriending me immediately afterwards when he realized he wouldn’t have his way, felt like an extreme asshole maneuver. I was floored, shaken, and yet, I could never tell any of our mutual friends. Just further evidence that I didn’t actually want polyamory at all, and that that was just some sort of broken phase, when what I really want is deep connection.

That kind of thing makes me think having a big moat around my “castle” with no drawbridge in site is a good thing. I’m not going to worry about being ‘broken’ or ‘a mess’ and do whatever the hell feels good right now, including shutting people out if that’s what feels good, or letting people in if that’s what feels good. Learning to be more present, and ruminate less on what is or isn’t a good or bad thing… Welcome to my head.

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